Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Ringing the devil's doorbell to my "sin cave"...

I'm finally inspired to write something of substance again.  I owe it all to my gay cousin's husband, who shared the following meme yesterday...

The person who made this meme needs a lesson in proofreading...

I couldn't resist sharing this with some select friends in a couple of groups.  It definitely got some people talking, too.  There was a debate as to whether or not the above meme and others like it were real or satirical in nature.  I'm pretty sure this is satire.  What makes it good satire is that it's believable.  There are some religious groups that believe masturbation is dirty, sinful, and leads to a one way ticket to Hell.

But really...  this is clearly a joke.  

And the person who made this meme doesn't know the difference between Soldiers and Marines.

I have shared the video below a few times on this blog.  I do so because it offers real proof that there are people in the world who would dare to chastise you for "ringing satan's doorbell".  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it's referred to as "self abuse".  Catholics also have issues with masturbation.  So do fundies and Muslims.  Like anything else that is pleasurable and makes life more worthwhile, many religious people think that jerking off will send you straight to Hell.  

Masturbation is seen as "selfish" behavior that deprives society of potential life.  If you're stimulating yourself or a partner solely for the purpose of pleasure, you aren't engaging in the business of bringing new souls to the world.  One of those new souls could end up being the next Pope.  Or, conversely, that soul could be a mass murderer.  Both could be potential tithe payers.

Mormon Mission Pres Allan Pratt On Masturbation!! von samueltheutahnite

Seriously.  This is a thing in the LDS church.  It's also a thing in other churches.  I'm pretty sure it's all about avoiding lust, keeping one's thoughts pure and chaste, and not looking at porn.

Folks, everybody masturbates.  I figure if God didn't want us to masturbate, our arms would be shorter and we wouldn't be able to reach the "joy button".  

This isn't to say that I don't think a person can have a problem with "sex addiction" or that excessively viewing pornography isn't harmful.  If you are spending all of your time and money looking at porn and jerking off to the point at which your genitals are raw and bleeding, that is clearly a problem.  Anything done in excess is unhealthy.  But most people don't spend all day masturbating or obsessively hunting for porn.  For most people, it's simply a pleasant way to pass time, relax, engage in a little fantasy.  

There is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation.  It's completely natural and healthy, especially if you wash your hands when you're finished.  Masturbation is the safest sex a person can have.  If you do it with your significant other, it's also a way to bond.  It can even be a physically necessary thing to do for both men and women.  I can't speak for men, but I know that when Aunt Flow comes calling, nothing makes me feel better than self stimulation.  It relieves cramps, relaxes me, and makes it easier to fall asleep.

I think the attitude against masturbation has a lot to do with the idea that sex is somehow dirty or sinful unless you're doing it solely to make babies.  If you're making babies, you're making "arrows for the Lord".  More arrows for the Lord means more money and power for religious organizations and ideologies.  More power for religious organizations can lead to more political power and perhaps even eventual world domination.  If you're beating off to relieve tension, you won't be as pent up on the basketball court or the board room.  You won't have that edge that might push you over the top, right?  But you also might be more stressed out, angry, and unhappy.  It's not healthy to be on edge all the time.  Excessive stress can lead to strokes, heart attacks, depression, anxiety, and a host of other ailments that might lead to an early grave. 

Bwahahahaa... really?  Nah...

So I say you should keep masturbating.  It's no one's business if you do it.  It's healthy and normal and all the cool kids are doing it.  My sin cave is waiting for the doorbell to ring.

Just don't get any on ya...


  1. It's a "thing" in other churches, but I don't know of any other church that makes such an official "thing" of it. Perhaps it's because the other churches don't have in most cases (with Catholics being the obvious exception, though, their chain of command is smaller) such a precise chain of command, and don't have so many carrots (as in admission to church universities, advancement in the priesthood, admission to church universities, missions, and temple recommends to name the most obvious perks) to dangle just beyond members' reach.

    I was once in a group of LDS girls older than I when I was about fourteen. I was with my cousin, but this cousin is from my mom's side (her mom converted to Mormonism when she married my Uncle Douglas) and is a Mormon cousin I actually like. The girls were comparing notes, and of the ten or so LDS girls present, all insisted they'd never even been asked about masturbation.

    My Aunt Megan, who converted at 11 but gave up the faith before marrying my uncle, talks of a temple recommend (for baptisms for the dead)interview when she was thirteen in which the counselor in the stake presidency asked her if she had had any sexual experiences with young men or young ladies that she needed to discuss with him. Later that day, when the group was riding back to their city, they were comparing interview notes. Megan asked if any of the others had been asked about same-sex relationships. The consensus was no, though a few of the boys suppressed snickers and exchanged sideways glances. What Megan didn't know at the time but learned much later (everyone else there probably already knew) was that her much older sister, who was not LDS, was involved in a long-standing lesbian relationship with the daughter of prominent local Mormons. Megan thought at the time that they were merely roommates and friends. The counselor in the stake presidency apparently thought the tendency toward lesbianism ran in families. When Aunt Megan finally put 1 + 1 + 1 together and came up with three as an answer, she was both mortified and livid. She wasn't in the church for long after that, but on one occasion the counselor who had interviewed her greeted her, and she stared straight through him and said nothing.

    My mom knew Megan at the time and said Megan was the picture of innocence at thirteen and probably couldn't have described a realistic female-on-female sex act even if she tried.

    1. Ugh... that is dreadful! I'm so glad this was not a concern for me, growing up Presbyterian.


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